It's okay to not be okay.
Period. At the moment I am super happy where I am and even though I just weighed myself, I've used my techniques to make sure my brain didn't take the unsuccess as a sign of my overriding uselessness which my negative thinking uses to cripple me if it can. The scale continues to be my enemy! Every now and then, I go through my moments of feeling a bit blue and not feeling quite as happy as I usually do. This is something that most people go through and is a very normal part of just simply being human. Although there are very specific reasons for one to feel this way, the cure to this sadness is usually not so clear. If the answer were so clear, it would be much easier to get through and would take very little time to get over. It’s okay to be sad; it’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes, we need some time to harbor certain feelings so that we can become stronger and learn how to deal with our lives. Sometimes we need to take a step back from reality and discover what it truly is that we want from life. And sometimes we need to recognize that we are not in our best state and that we need time to reflect on why we are feeling certain emotions. No matter what those emotions are, we should not feel badly about feeling them because they are what make us human. But it is best to look at the situation with an objective point of view and see the end view as happiness. Sadness is not an emotion that we can easily ‘snap out of’; but we can learn how to STARVE IT.
Feeling sad is a completely valid experience but wallowing in the emotion can result to unhealthy effects; without the low points we wouldn’t value the high points as much. No one can be okay all the time.
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“Therapist, Heal Thyself.” That statement has been rumbling through my gray matter for the last month at least. I have to tell you, I have been hit hard during this dull, cold, wintery ‘after new years’ with the blues. You probably know the feeling: you're more tired these days, maybe anxious or moody. Some of the most searched topics on the Internet are, “How to be happy”; “How to overcome sadness”; “How to cope with depression”. So many people with so many feelings – feelings that aren’t measuring up to what we want, or need, them to be. There are times in life when we’re going to feel down just as there are times in life when we’re going to feel downright giddy. There is an actual condition associated with the feelings we are experiencing. Though most people tend to think of it as the "winter blues," SAD, also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, is a form of significant depression that's brought on by the change from warm to cold seasons. It affects millions of people worldwide (and approximately 6% of the total US population), leaving many with a feeling of constant dread or anxiety during the winter months. Symptoms of SAD range from a general feeling of melancholy, lowered energy, cravings for sugars and starches, and weight gain to full-blown depression symptoms. Some people may even withdraw from family and friends. I am one of those eternally optimistic people, and even when falling into the potholes of life, choose to believe that things are going to get better. Knowing full well that in a day, week, and especially a year, things are NOT going to feel or look this way. As a therapist I see clients in my office almost weekly, dealing with the type of feelings I have been dealing with. As my daughter once reminded me, “Mom, what would you say to your clients about this” and I have totally taken that advice to heart. If you were in my office today, having a hard time shakin’ the winter blues, I would advise you to stay active. Even if it means walking around the block in the freezing cold. Or take on a light exercise regime. When you have depression or anxiety, exercise often seems like the last thing you want to do. But once you get motivated, exercise can make a big difference. It does wonders to stir up the feel-good endorphins, and other natural brain chemicals that can enhance your sense of well-being. Eat healthy, meaning eat protein first, then carbs. When the blues have you feeling down, carbs are generally the foods that are craved. Open up the blinds… let the light in. Invest in a light box, which is 10 times stronger than ordinary house lights, and serves as therapy by sitting in front of it 30 minutes a day. Take up a new hobby; recently I took a class in making mosaic jewelry and loved it…. It also caused me to get out and socialize, meeting new people. It's been shown that socializing is good for mental health and helps ward off the winter blues. Make an effort to keep in touch with people you care about and accept any invitations you get to social events, even if you only go for a little while. Take a break from Social Media and ruminating on ‘other people’s perfect lives’! Everyone is struggling; they just don’t always show it. Don’t feel the need to compare yourself to others. But most importantly talk it out. IT. IS. OKAY. NOT. TO. BE. OKAY. When someone asks you how you are, be honest. One of the hardest questions to answer when we're not feeling great is "How are you?". It’s okay to tell people that you’re having a bad day. Simple conversations can be life changing; approach someone you trust maybe a relative, a friend or colleague. Show yourself some compassion. Take the time you need to rest, recharge, and breathe. Take care of yourself the best way you know how. You know yourself better than anyone. If you’re going through a hard time, seek out the support of people who love you. Take as much time as you need to feel the emotion and recover. No matter what the external world tells you, you don’t have to be perfect, and it’s okay if you don’t feel okay! "Show me your soul. Show me the most damaged parts of your soul, and I will show you how it still shines like gold." ~ Nikita Gill I love communication; therefore, I LOVE words. Over the years I have heard hundreds of clichés, rhetoric, catch phrases and jargon, and once in a while something will really pique my interest, as in the phrase, “it is what it is”. I just heard it again today. I don’t like it. It just feels like that phrase is everywhere. Whether it be sports, politics, business or just everyday life, "it is what it is" seems to be the go-to saying to describe any situation that you don't want to change. Here's the problem with “it is what it is”: it abandons responsibility, shuts down creative problem solving, and many times concedes defeat. A person who uses the expression is a person who faced a challenge, failed to overcome it, and explained away the episode as an inevitable, unavoidable force of circumstances. Replace “it is what it is” with "this resulted because I failed to do [insert]" and you get an entirely different discussion. The problem is that people are using "it is what it is" as a catch-all to avoid being proactive. It's easier to say a catch phrase than it is to solve a problem. However, there are many circumstances where using "it is what it is" is completely appropriate. There's a brutal truth in life that some people refuse to accept: you have NO control over many of the things that happen in your life. Weather, accidents, the past, human nature, tax rates and another person's beliefs or thoughts are all situations that are completely out of our control and no sort of brainstorming session is going to solve them! "It is what it is"! Think of all of the events or situations in your life that concern you. Now imagine collecting all of these concerns into one big circle called the Circle of Concern. Everything inside the circle is of concern to you, and everything outside of the circle is of no concern to you. The problem with this circle is that many of the things you are concerned about are outside of your control. The main point of the Circle of Concern is to help you focus your thoughts and your actions on things you can control or influence. As a result, you will feel more empowered, more positive, and more confident about the events in your life. And entertain less stressful and anxious thoughts. You can only really change yourself; how YOU think, feel and respond to others. Let all those events you have NO control over, GO. In those cases, "it is what it is" is helpful in accepting the things you cannot control. There are times when “it is what it is” is hurtful and dismissive of one’s feelings. The message received is “it’s not going to change, so get over it already. Stop whining. Stop complaining. Shut up and deal with it.” Even if there is truth in those statements, your timing of delivery may be off. People need time to accept life’s circumstances. They need to know you care that they are hurting. We all need to complain from time to time about major disasters as well as minor disappointments. You might be perceived as uncaring and uninvolved if you respond with, “it is what it is.” It's time to let go of “it is what it is”. It says, "I can't," when achievement demands that we instead ask, "how can I?" The difference will be pivotal. There are times when “it is what it is” leads you to believe that there’s nothing you can do about a situation, when, indeed, action might be both possible and desirable. The message suggests that things are what they are. Accept it. Don’t expect things to be any different. That’s life. "It sucks, but I'm not going to do anything about it". Usually preceded or followed by, "forget it", "I don't even care", or "whatever". “One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.” IT IS what you accept. Most of us have certain feelings we’d much rather live without. Like walking through a buffet line, we say, “I’ll take two spoonfuls of those Joy feelings, three helpings of Happiness and a dab of Excitement. Hold the Discouragement please and I REALLY don’t like Sadness. I don’t want any of that.”
If it only worked that way. On December 1, 2010 I received a phone call at 1:15 in the morning that would cause me to downward spiral into a vat of dark, slimy, foul feelings which I loathed. “Ma, Jon hung himself in my basement. He’s dead, Mom.” “I’m sorry. I was woken up from a deep sleep. Excuse me?” As my husband and I rushed down the street to the “crime scene”, I peered into the ambulance as the EMTs pumped on the chest of my 21-year-old ‘baby’. Thirteen hours later he just ‘flew away’. My sadness was a hollowness. I can't tell you what's worse; sometimes my hollowness was a shell, holding in a thousand oceans of tears. Sometimes though, it held a million pieces of glass that were wedged in between my soul and body. That's the pain. Entirely consumed by wretchedness; every other emotion pushed from my being. Where there was the love, the light, the laughter was an aching hollowness. In this sadness there is no past or future, just a living by the moment, breath by breath. Every day was measured from the moment of waking into this new reality until my body could do no more, until sleep would come to rest my weary mind. I felt like I had the flu for a full year. Each day I greeted the sun like a climber greets their rope, fingers holding on fast despite the pain. GRIEF came in cold wintry waves. What emptiness was -or feeling empty- was just a lack of something missing. It could even be a defense mechanism because you really do not want to feel the pain or the emotions from a loss. So, you replace it with a void. If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it. Going to therapists wanting them to wave their ‘magic wand’ and miraculously take the pain away. Or better yet, a front-end loader to load up the tons of grief and toss it into the dark never-ending abyss. PAIN. Oh it hurts. It changes you. Along with the usual symptoms and stages of grief, there are many issues that make parental bereavement particularly difficult to resolve. And this grief over the loss of a child can be exacerbated and complicated by feelings of injustice — the understandable feeling that this loss never should have happened. And then there’s the wouldas, couldas, shouldas. They taunt you at every turn. If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it. Surviving the death and loss of a child takes a dedication to LIFE. As a parent, you give birth to life as a promise to the future. Now you must make a new commitment to LIVING, as hard or impossible as it may seem. You WILL get through this and survive; however, you NEVER get over it. If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it. The day came when I realized that I didn’t fall asleep sobbing; I could drive home from work without the constant inconsolable gut-wrenching, soul-splitting and life-crushing wailing; that I could talk about Jon without my voice cracking. That I could say the word, SUICIDE. If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it. What I’ve discovered is we can learn to reject feelings, but in doing so we reject ALL feelings. When we turn up our nose at Discouragement and Sadness, we actually decrease our capability for feeling the positive emotions of Joy and Gratitude. Whatever sad feelings you are going through today, allow yourself to FEEL them. And in that experience, you will be healed. TRUST ME. Remembering Jonathon Mike Gundrum 7.5.89~12.1.10 dis·rup·tion
/disˈrəpSH(ə)n/ noun: disruption; plural noun: disruptions 1. disturbance or problems that interrupt an event, activity, or process. This word has always fascinated me, especially using it in place of phrases like “disturbing you”, or “excuse me”; I find myself saying, “sorry for the disruption.” In the business world, disruption is a good thing, because it causes people to have to change and think in alternate ways. When the word was first introduced, leadership used the phrase “disruptive innovation” as a way to think about successful companies not just meeting customers’ current needs, but anticipating their unstated or future needs. Disrupters turn the way we do things on its head. They . . .
SO GO AHEAD. Today, change ONE single thought from negative to purely positive. How does it feel? Believe in the power of disruption that leads to positive change. Believe in YOU! Choose Your Hard
I heard this term in passing a couple of weeks ago, and it has intrigued me, bothered me, excited me, but most of all sent me into deep contemplation. Choose your hard? Hmm. Life is hard. Period. I have told this to my own children many times as they were growing up. Not only is life hard, but most of it is out of our control. What is hard for you today? It’s so true that both options (there are always 2 options) are difficult. But you decide the nature and manner that you want “difficult” to take in your life. It’s sometimes difficult to make healthy, non-compulsive food choices. It’s difficult to be overweight and unhealthy; and to lack confidence and self-esteem. It’s sometimes hard to save intelligently, and to spend with care. It’s hard to be in debt and constantly stressed about money. It’s hard to have frank, courageous conversations with employees you work with. It’s hard to work in an environment plagued with stress and walking on eggshells. It’s hard to change. It’s hard watching a relationship fail and the heartbreak that accompanies it. It’s hard to live healthy; hard to exercise; hard to lose weight. It’s hard to be overweight; hard to breathe; hard to feel sick all the time. Anything of real value takes some sort of hard work or sacrifice. We place very little value on the things that come easy. We take for granted that all we have to do to light up an entire room is just flip a switch; or in order to get clean drinkable water all we have to do is turn on the faucet. Guess what is also hard? Being stronger than your excuses is HARD! So if most things in life are hard, why not choose a “hard” that makes you a better person? Why not choose a “hard” that provides value to not only yourself but the others around you? Choose a hard that produces positive results, and gives you more control over your life. Remember struggle is a part of life, so you might as well have as much control as you possibly can over when and where you experience your struggle, your “hard”. Now it’s YOUR turn to contemplate. PAUSE
In our part of the country spring has not yet sprung. However, by name we are in springtime. Springtime is a time of renewal and rebirth. This weekend I am headed off to a conference of refreshment. It’s time to refuel. All this jargon comes down to the need for regeneration, or taking a “pause” from our strenuous schedules and timetables to think about ourselves. I gave someone recently the “permission” to love, adore and care take of themselves. They felt selfish and proud to allow those feelings to enter their minds. It’s. O. Kay. As conscientious adults, we’re always going to tend toward guilt and shame, but the reality is we do need to take care of ourselves to care for others. Sometimes we do need to take time to ourselves, knowing we’re going to come back refreshed. It comes back to choice: everyone needs that self-care. You can feel guilty [about taking time for yourself] but it’s a waste of emotional energy and unwarranted. It takes self-compassion to say what’s best for us right now so we can serve ourselves, because we can’t take care of anyone else until we serve ourselves. Let GUILT and SHAME be loosed! A PAUSE is an intentional shift in behavior. On a daily basis, we go through the motions; we’re on autopilot. Pausing, or intentionally shifting your behavior, appears counter-intuitive. We often resist pausing to avoid falling behind or looking like a slacker. Instead, consider pausing to enhance creativity or needed downtime, even if it’s for a few minutes. Daily pauses are a great way to connect and spend time being fully present to both yourself and other members you interact with on a daily basis. Pausing is easy, simple, and best of all, costs nothing! Intention creates some conscious awareness, to lift your head up, take a breath and repeat a mantra: “This too shall pass”; “God gives me strength to get through each moment”; “I can do this”; “I am more than a conqueror.” If I could depart to everyone who I come in contact a simple therapeutic tool, it would be to pause and BREATHE. Stop what you’re doing. Sit or stand with both feet firmly on the ground and close your eyes. Put one hand on your stomach and slowly inhale until you feel your stomach extend; hold your breath and slowly exhale. Count each exhale until you get to 10. Mindfulness Exercise. Stop what you are doing and go through all five senses one by one. Ask yourself, “What do you see. What do you hear. What do you smell. What do you taste. What do you feel.” Take notice of what you are experiencing both within you and around you. Gratitude Pause. Express gratitude for at least one thing every day. Build your list up to ten things throughout the day, or set a timer for a minute and be thankful for everything that comes to your mind… the good, the bad, AND the ugly! Deciding to take a daily pause is an act of courage and kindness to yourself. Give yourself the permission to pause and intentionally shift your behavior to practice some self-care, replenish your energy reserves, and invigorate your life. Pause to reflect. Pause to feel progress. Pause to create. Pause to think. Pause to thank God for your blessings. And I'll join you. As the new year rolled around, I took on the daunting task of UN-DECORATING the house from massive Christmas decorations. I couldn’t help but think about another year of resolutions. I resolve TO….. I resolve NOT to…. those are times I get to choose to listen to or ignore that small voice questioning why. If decorating my house for Christmas is a burden, then I can stop. It’s MY choice. It’s the most ridiculous thing in the world to over decorate when what I really need is to un-decorate myself and rest.
Un-decorate myself. Make life easy on myself. Get real. Create cozy spaces that lead to rest, conversations and connections. Un-decorating also has to do with change, and bad habits. Un-decorate myself from bitterness, resentment, by giving the gift of forgiveness; un-decorate from lifting heavy burdens through prayer. Un-decorate from chains of fear, which keep me back from achieving my dreams. The good news is that I don’t have to wait until another year rolls around. I can start NOW. I recently read this wonderful story: An elderly teacher, with a pupil by his side, took a walk through a forest. Suddenly he stopped and pointed to four plants close at hand. The first was just beginning to peep above the ground, the second had rooted itself pretty well into the earth, the third was a small shrub, while the fourth was a full-sized tree. The tutor said to his young companion, 'Pull up the first plant.' The boy did so eagerly, using only his fingers. 'Now pull up the second.' The youth obeyed but found the task more difficult. 'Do the same with the third,' he urged. The boy had to use all his strength to uproot it. 'Now,' said the instructor, 'try your hand with the fourth.' The pupil put his arms around the trunk of the tall tree and couldn't even shake its leaves. 'This, my son, is just what happens with our bad habits. When they are young, we can remove them readily; but when they are old, it's hard to uproot them, though we try and struggle ever so sincerely.'" We all have weeds and even enormous redwoods that need uprooting in our lives. It takes a LOT of effort to get strong enough to move those big ones on our own. It’s all about UN-decorating and shedding those habits we’ve held on to for years. Perhaps you're weary of pulling. God doesn't expect us to ‘pull’ these bad habits ourselves. Ask the Lord to help do the uprooting today and watch Him gain the victory! Matthew 21:21 “Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.” As a mother of several children, I would always remind them over and over again that there was no such thing as monsters - none under the bed, in the closet, or in the hallway. Seven years ago a monster entered my life; and I had never believed. A monster that was lurking in the heart of my youngest child. A monster full of lies, deception and empty promises. A monster that tears everyone apart. It’s a monster that is snatching lives away at an alarming rate. SUICIDE is a MONSTER. Seven years ago I received the bone-chilling call at 1:15 in the morning that a monster had tried to steal one of my children. As I raced down the street I peered through the ambulance window, I could see attendants trying to pump life back into Jon’s lifeless body. I heard myself screaming… a sound I had never heard come from my throat before yelling at the monster, WHY WHY WHY. Less than 13 hours later the monster won as my son’s body was too weak and tired to sustain life. Again I yelled at the monster…. Why did you do this to my son? I need my son. I love my son more than life. Jon was kind, caring, and his smile lit up the room. GIVE. HIM. BACK. The monster sneered and mocked me, teased me as I slipped into my own depression trying to forget the scene I had witnessed. PLEASE COME BACK. The hours slipped into days and into weeks then months. Jon has been gone from me seven years. How can that be? The monster had been swept and hidden under the rug; however over the years I have approached the monster, lifting the rug from on top of it. I have gotten to know the monster, studying it, and the many lies it breathes into the hearts of people, young and old alike; it is no respecter of people. It has been my life’s quest to continue to take the power of the monster away from it and to bring HOPE to the hearts of people who are finding life difficult. Please know that if your life is a MESS today, what you are feeling will NOT be same in a week, month, and certainly a year from now. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL….. and the world needs you. Remembering Jonathon Mike Gundrum 7.5.89 ~ 12.1.10 Whether or not you are familiar with the term ‘holding space’ it is something that we have all done for somebody at one time or another. Holding space is the act of being lovingly, attentively present for another person, without judgment. It is that simple.
There is a class I facilitate on positive attitude called the Fish Philosophies. One of the philosophies to live by is to “Be There.” Being there is exactly what holding space is all about. I don’t know what I need…. you don’t know what I need….it’s being needy and having someone who cares without hesitation. It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, or trying to fix them. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of all assumptions and perceptions. When a loved one is suffering from grief or illness, for example, our instinct is to help and to try, in any way we are able, to ease their burden. If we believe that we are unable to improve their situation we can feel powerless. It isn’t easy because we have a human tendency to want to “fix things.” Sometimes we will verbalize, “I wish there was something I could do”; when you are doing the exact thing that is needed. Being there. Of course nobody can remove grief, for instance, but they can be there to listen, to care and to offer unconditional love and support. In other matters of the heart and in personal growth and transformation, offering advice may be too overwhelming. In the act of holding space you are paying attention to the needs of another….what do they need? It could be that the person needs to be alone. We have to be prepared to step to the side so that they can make their own choices, offer them unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance when it’s needed, and make them feel safe even when they make mistakes. Allowing them to do this in full confidence as you remain available to them when they feel ready to reach out; it is a beautiful gift. Holding space is also about prayer. Praying for someone who is in the depth of loss, when they feel God is far away or is not listening to their prayers. Holding space is standing in the gap for your friend when they feel too weak to go on. I am grateful for every person in my life who has held space for me; and I continue to hold space for those in my life who are going through horrible trials. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. |
AuthorI am a wife, mother, and grandmother. Late in life I decided to go back to school to become a professional counselor. I have achieved that dream, and am open for business. Archives
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